Apparently this comes from the Washington Post, which runs an annual neologism competition, in which contestants suggest alternative meanings for existing words. At the risk of being labelled a coward, I shall err on the side of caution and cull the more risque ones from the list, but this post nevertheless carries a political incorrectness warning.
- Coffee (n) The person upon whom one coughs
- Flabbergasted (adj) Appalled at how much weight you have gained
- Abdicate (v) To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
- Esplanade (v) To attempt an explanation while drunk
- Negligent (adj) Describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown
- Lymph (v) To walk with a lisp
- Gargoyle (n) Olive favoured mouthwash
- Flatulence (n) The emergency vehicle that picks you up after you have been run over by a steamroller
- Balderdash (n) A rapidly receding hairline
- Rectitude (adj) The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists
- Pokemon (n) A Rastafarian proctologist
- Oyster (n) A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms
- Frisbeetarianism (n) The belief that, when you die, your spirit flies up onto the the roof and gets stuck there
I have to say that my favourite is "esplanade". As a person who never, under any circumstances, gets drunk (long story), I have been subjected to many earnest "esplanations" in my time that - tragically for "splaner" - I am able to remember the next day! If I'm ever down on my luck, I might start to charge for my silence!
A close second has got to be a tie between negligent (Cherie Blair, anyone?) and flatulence.
I invite you to come up with a few of your own - perhaps it will relieve the stress of the frantic pre-Christmas rush to "get it all done in time".